Papa yuri is crash gunpowder market
Papa yuri ask you of bringing back tractor stuck in bog in sibir, you go to sibir with dog friend, in 3 years you come back with tractor and no dog, just in time for family picture, but before you get there, blinding light already make room fuller than should be, capitalist machine is being exorcise by orthodox priest again, papa yuri see you and drag you by nose to family picture and ask priest to do again, later you and papa yuri get sent to gulag because no more gunpowder for other pictures.
Unpopular state worker becomes butt of many joke. Day after unfortunate tractor accident, comrades from her village place severed arm in unpopular state worker’s bed, and wait for morning to laugh. Morning comes and they enter room to find her eating arm. Horror results, because arm is enough to feed three comrades, and she will not share!
|Dear comrade, my name is Vasilly and I think you should receive Order Of Lenin for your stirling work against capitalist West. But do not rest from your toil, Comrade; filthy bourgeoise are no doubt planning to bring down your website...|
Many thanks to you, Comrade Vasilly! It would be great honor to receive Order of Lenin, but website is run for good of motherland and her hardworking proletariat, not for personal gain.
Cat Is Hero Of Soviet Motherland
You come home from hard day of work at Soviet tractor factory.
Enter lounge and drink vodka. Cat sit on top of kitchen table, stare at you. “Stupid cat” you say, “You look just like Stalin’s fat ugly wife!”.
Early next morning, KGB kick-down front door and take you to Siberian gulag for outrageous slur against Comrade Stalin’s beautiful wife.
In glorious Soviet motherland, even a cat can be trained to report its owner for spreading discontent and telling lies about senior party members.
Cat receive Order Of Lenin medal and senior position in KGB; you receive 30 year hard labour sentence at Soviet re-education camp.
Life is just and fair under our beloved leader Stalin…
One day I was driving tractor when tractor broke. I resume driving on my bare hands because i dont need tractor for that. Next day there is brand new tractor in front of house. Tractor has sign: “Olga you get new tractor from nearby tractor factory because we hear your old tractor is broke down.” I start driving around new tractor. Go to village and let people know that i have new tractor from nearby tractor factory. On third day KGB is outside my door and say that nearby tractory factory has never existed, they say that i have been driving with made-up tractor. I get sent to gulag for making up a tractor. Made-up tractor also sent to gulag for being made up. KGB watch you if you are not even real.
There is child in hospital in Moscow. Child is quiet like well-behaved Soviet toddler and remains in nursery with all newborns. If you are asking staff, they will ignore you, but tag on his arm is old and yellow, clearly made around late 1940s. He is never crying, only rocking quietly like old gypsy woman. If you are speaking name on his tag, his eyes will be opening. You may then berate him for his laziness and send him to work in factory or beet field. Child is never too young to work for Motherland.
Are you ever hearing of Dyatlov Pass Incident? Mostly likely story was lie.
KGB has ruled that nothing happened and no comrades were killed there by mysterious force. Good Soviet is not asking too many questions about it.
Young girl was having sleepover with several of her teenage friends. Shortly before midnight she is telling her guests that there was grave in edge of the woods behind her house and anyone going there on full moon and standing too close to grave would be pulled into the grave by bony hand of old man buried there. One fifteen year old girl scoffed at story because she was good Soviet girl and unafraid of superstitious nonsense. After much teasing she accepted challenge of going alone to grave. As proof she had actually gone she was to stick large sickle into top of grave for inspection by others next morning. The girl left and did not return. Others became frightened like American children - afraid to wake adults in house because they feared beating and did not have proper respect for elder - fearful they were in serious trouble. Next morning they all huddled together and nervously went grave. At grave, they are arrested and sent to re-education for being cowards and fifteen year old girl is awarded medal for reporting her friends.
EVEN YOUNG GIRLS MUST BE BRAVE AND WORK FOR STRENGTH OF MOTHERLAND.
Greetings comrades, I have story to tell. You won’t believe me because you are probably greedy capitalist pig dog, but I’m done trying to convince gypsies like you.
It was three weeks ago. Was on Google looking for sites of glorious proletariat and motherland, found way to imageboard. Everyone on board spoke like gypsy wailing in the night, said things like “Hiel I saw them tonight. Holdings hand we are up high 99924028 THE KING COME DOWN!”
That was phrase used repeatedly. ”The king come down.” At first, thought it was spam because nobody in glorious motherland spread monarchy propaganda, but use was too frequent to be spam. Would be typos, and numbers not appear random.
Decided “fuck it”, will see what’s going on with site. Posted in what appeared to be “random board”, much like American pig dog board /b/. Offered greetings, said was new, and looking to start thread about motherland. Asked them to post best pictures of glorious workers and motherland.
That was first time it started. Remember first reply very clearly. Said, “Good to see. U join the HELP! HELP!” From there it got strange. More posts similar to gypsy spells, and spreading more monarchistic propaganda. From there, they speak like capitalist pigs. Posting characters from many language.
Had no idea what was going on.
Then saw phrase again. Numbers followed by “The king come down.”
Following that, power cut off. Complete black out, darker than inside cave of bear. Flipped switches back up, and power went back on. Came back to filthy capitalist computer, but with image of boy on screen. He looked like gypsy boy, no older than ten.
Later found boy and beat him for being filthy gypsy and turning off power to shack. KGB later shut down site for spreading filthy monarchy and capitalist propaganda. Soon new site come back to spread imagery of motherland. Sent to Siberia for hoarding capitalist computer like pig dog.
Such is life in the motherland.
|Not question this is. Blog of yours makes Soviet Dash happy. But not too happy. KGB may be watching Soviet Dash.|
KGB always watching, comrade. But is good thing to take pleasure in all things which strengthen Motherland.
Young man and his new bride were celebrating marriage in Moscow when his wife went into restroom and did not return.
With time man began to fear that wife had been taken by capitalists and went to KGB like good Soviet. KGB thought it was most likely girl had been taken to Ukrainian whorehouse and have man publicly beaten for celebrating wedding when there is work to be done.
Man visits every whorehouse in Ukraine and is catching many diseases, but is never finding wife.
Man is unable to work because of diseases and instead travels the world like lazy gypsy.
Years later in Borneo he is visiting freakshow in old shabby building. In last filthy cage he saw twisted, scarred and mutilated woman rocking back and forth and groaning strange animal-like noises. He screamed as he recognized birthmark on his wife’s face.
Wife then berates husband for being coward and for abandoning Motherland by choice. Like good Soviet woman, she breaks out of cage and kills husband for not being true Soviet. Borneans are so impressed with woman that Borneo becomes Marxist-Leninist state. Woman is sent to Ukrainian whorehouse because KGB is never wrong.
Outside of my city, there is apple orchard, with small cemetery at end of it with only about 5 or 10 graves in it. If you are visiting the cemetery, it is customary to leave small offering by largest headstone as gesture of respect to dead elders. Even apple from orchard will do. If you do not, every night when you are sleeping that week, you will see old man in your dreams.
On first night, he will appear to be normal balding old man. He will berate you about duty to elders and Motherland.
On second night, he will ask you if you are gypsy capitalist to be such terrible person.
On third night, he will drink vodka.
On the fourth night, he will throw bottle of vodka at you like your Father did when you were small child.
On fifth night, he will beat you with cane and throw bottle of vodka at you, much like Father did when you were older child.
On sixth night, man is too drunk to beat you, much like Father when you were teenager.
On seventh night, he will be plowing beet field because even dream ghost man must work for good of Motherland.
No one is knowing how long this continues or how it ends, by then all true Soviets have gone back and left offering. Man kills them anyway because they do not respect elders. Those who do not go back are not true Soviets and are sent to Siberia.
There is abandoned mental hospital at top of hill near Saint Petersburg. Once every five years old rusty box spring is appearing in courtyard of hospital. If you are sneaking inside and sleeping through night on bed, in morning man with shirt that reads КГБ will take out his wallet and give you picture. This picture will show you how you will die. If the picture is of man standing before you, you have committed crime against Motherland and will be shot.
Everyone knows that on cartons of milk, there is picture of missing child.
But why are other drinks not having these pictures?
Is it assumed that everyone drinks milk?
Is because it is not just missing child ad.
Is part of list of ingredients.
Such is life in Mother Russia.
There are stories about certain kind of hitchhiker - they are only ever appearing at night on quiet roads, seeming to flicker into existence in edge of headlights, never carrying a sign, always looking sad like man without vodka, swathed in a heavy coat and long pants to ward off frigid Russian winter, usually with gloves because many lose fingers to frostbite. If you stop, they will seem polite, but not chatty like swindling gypsy. They will be telling you that next town or city will be fine spot to leave them. Normal enough. Unless you are trying to kill them.
They die easily enough, like fascist German soldiers during World War II. But if you are looking underneath their clothes, you will be seeing that their skin is marred with lines of scars, forming disturbing patterns. They have no wallets, no identification, so is possible they have escaped from Siberian prison, but no one escape from Siberian prison. If you are slicing their belly open, however, they are different inside. Is no blood, no muscle, only a hollow cavity containing single object. Object varies. Examples include, single coin, heavy and golden and engraved with runes only good Soviet scientist could decipher, diamond gem with fractal edges that would be good for slicing beets and small vase, quite unbreakable, that smells of vodka and is always damp…
Once you are possessing hitchhiker’s object, you will find yourself always driving the quiet roads at night. You will never mean to always be moving like gypsy, but somehow, you just will. The lure of possessing second one will hum quietly in your head like hangover after too much vodka. You will strain to catch sight of figure appearing in headlights, try to resist impulse to stop, and sometimes you might. But sometimes you will not. You will be telling yourself that this is just normal person on way home from hard day’s work supporting the Motherland, someone who ran out of petrol. Logical part of your brain will scream at what you are doing. You will smile and nod and they will get into the car and you will slowly, casually, be reaching under the seat or across to the glove box.
Stranger will then arrest you. KGB is aware that you are deranged murderer and have hoarded artifact that rightfully belongs to the state. KGB ALWAYS WATCHING.