You and nice Russian woman are sitting on ledge overlooking glorious Moscow, when comrade Yuri runs past you, and shouts “There is Capitalist pig with hook for hand on loose!” Nice Russian woman asks if maybe it’s time to go back to shack.” You say “No. True Soviets do not afraid of Capitalist pig with hook for hand.” Then KGB pops out, you pass test. Nice Russian woman… Well she is shot for not being true Soviet.
In small Ukrainian village, mother works hard to get work permit for daughter to work in Russia. Mother works hard every day. One day mother work so hard she faint, but continued working when recovered. Mother keeps fainting and gets sicker, but keeps working like true comrade. On deathbed, mother gives daughter locket. She tells daughter to only open it when she believes she can’t continue with life.
Mother dies. Daughter gets work permit for Russia and works in screw factory. Years pass and one of daughter’s comrades in factory asks about locket. Daughter tells him. Comrade asks her to open it. Years have passed and daughter is productive worker. Daughter finally opens it. In it was piece of paper that says:
Only through hard work can the workers over throw the Capitalist fascists that threaten glorious Mother Land.
You in cold tent in the night with your woman. You and woman begin procreation to strengthen the Motherland’s numbers. Your woman’s phone begins to ring. She answer it, and her face drop. The weak one begins to weep; you ask about call. She says,”It was papa! He was sent to Siberia for talks of liberty!”.
NO PHONES IN SIBERIA! WOMAN LIES AND GOES TO SIBERIA!
Try this. Turn off music. Turn off TV. If you are greedy capitalist and have machine, turn off computer. Go to next room, and sit, do not dance, do not drink, be as quiet as Jew during pogrom. Does Comrade Russian hear sound? Itsy bitsy ringing? Glorious People say it is brain making up a sound to explain reason why Russian is not drinking or dancing.
Silly Americans can not tell you what making sound, Smart Russians can because are not silly bourgeoise with book and film.
It is wail of gypsy. If gypsy is planning to steal item in house, evil gypsy wail alerts holy Russian Orthodox Church. Find gypsy, hit gypsy with hand, then drink Vodka until sound go away. Then hit gypsy child until child is no longer gypsy.
why use gendered terms like dude, girl, etc with your friends when u can just call them comrade
Late one night in hospital, Doctor is about to go home. Checks appointments and discovers there is one left. Doctor waiting for final appointment when he hear noise from hospital cafeteria. goes down to investigate and finds kitchen is a mess, and all food is being gone. Doctor returns to office to collect things when he see dirty half-naked adolescent boy in waiting room.
Youth approaches Doctor, showing jagged teeth and stating desire to consume human flesh. Claims to have consumed numerous food supplies throughout motherland and soon many people including family due to insatiable hunger. Tells Doctor he can examine stomach after being eaten alive.
Suddenly KGB appears. Comrade Cannibal is being consuming extra rations as well as fellow workers but has not put in work to be deserving of these provisions and is left in Siberian prison to starve for his crimes. Such is life in Mother Russia.
In rural Soviet town, small company tries to sell baby dolls. Woman who is pregnant buys doll, but when child is born, doll cries like ignorant American. Box says to “rock” child to sleep. Stupid woman is too soft. Doll will not stop crying. Woman decides to smash doll. KGB begins find dead infants, and mothers holding doll. Mothers understand, if infant is not strong enough to outlast doll, infant is not true Soviet!
KGB is called to investigate woman’s charred body found in oven during winter. Only clue found in the house is a camcorder which is empty. Later on a video is found in a well that has dried up due to bad Fall turnip harvest. Inside of the well is a tape depicting a woman crawling into the exact oven, it shaking, and a black cloud coming from the oven. The woman does not resemble in any way the body found at the scene of the crime. KGB rules it off as occupant trying to get warm during frigid Russian winter. KGB burns down house to keep neighbors happy and warm.
Once I hear story about girl in Chaplygin. She was asleep in her bed, when she feel lick on her hand. She thinks it is dog and goes to sleep. Next morning, she finds note on dresser with dead head of dog. It says “Comrades can lick too.” She screams.
Father comes upstairs, takes belt off and beats her. Moral of story is daughters should not yell in house like peasant. House is not Siberian pigsty. I worry daughter will never find good Russian husband.
Is said that some victims of gypsy curse, during the act, retreat into sissy fantasy world from which they not WAKE UP. In catatonic state, victim lives in silly world where Motherland is not supreme. The only way good proletariat knows to WAKE UP is to find note in fantasy. Note says WAKE UP. BEET FIELD NEEDS TENDING. Even then, they are to be executed for capitalist dream.
am Soviet heron. having long neck and picking fish out of water with beak. if comrade does not repost comment on 10 other pages, will fly into kitchen tonight and leading KGB to house for detaining you to frozen work camps
Item #: SCP-173
Object class: Euclid
Special Containment Procedures: SCP-173 is to be kept in shed behind farm. Three strong communist men must drink liter of vodka before enter. Two must stare at item, one must continue drink vodka.
Description: Moved to shed after wooden pen freeze and break during cold Soviet winter. Shed is also wood, but with paint sometimes. SCP-173 is extremely hostile, like red faced Americans. Is also coward. Neither will make move while strong Soviet men have watchful eye. No one blink, on punishment of beating with cold leather. Object enjoy snap neck, like American commando pig. If object allowed to move, all will be sent to cold Siberia for reeducation.
Personnel report sound of stone scraping when creature is alone. This is dutiful Russian work ethic. If sound stops, subject to be beaten with iron rods, like child.
Floor is covered in shit and blood, like normal Soviet household. Shed must be cleaned every two weeks. Kept much cleaner than most Soviet household.
One night man tries escape from gulag.
Makes his way to cabin in middle of tundra. Inside is plain, but many family pictures on walls. He falls asleep. In middle of night he is put in sack and dragged out. The next morning he is shot like dog.
Pictures are windows. KGB always watching.
For a brief period of Glasnost, a Chechen based collective sell novelty “x-ray” glasses via Samizdat. Comrades who view their television wearing glasses reported seeing images that were “decadent” or “pig-disgusting”. Phenomena occurred whether the television were turned off or broken. The collective was labeled subversive and KGB reveal that the collective’s location leads to an old graveyard full of fascist German soldiers.
Walking home one night, you notice all the candles in personal shack are lit.
You finish vodka bottle as you approach your door.
House is empty, and you made sure not to feed guard dog, but candles still go out.
You check your pocket watch, small hand on 4, big hand on 1. You relise you’ll be late for unpaid community service.
At service, you find letter on floor. It’s signed to you, from you. You open the letter, confused.
Inside reads “the out for watch watch”
You look at pocket watch. big hand on 4, little hand on one. You look at note again, it appears the 4th and 1st words have swapped places.
"Watch out for the watch."
You look at pocket watch again.
You realise watch is broken, and decide you must get it fixed. You also decide to cut back on vodka, so as to not send letters to yourself anymore.
Such is life in mother Russia.