Like most Russian man, my damnation came in form of bottle of .
Is almost exactly what it sounds like.
When I was child my best friend lived next to small junkyard. We often went to junkyard to throw rocks at scavenging gypsies and do other normal Soviet child things. Occasionally we would get tetanus from rusty trash and friend’s mother would beat us for being careless. Friend’s father would beat us regardless.
One day we were playing with other children, dismantling American car like revolutionaries dismantling capitalist system of government. Under one seat of car was little glass bottle, full of vodka.
My father had often warned me never to drink American vodka because it would make me into filthy capitalist. Other child is daring me to drink it. Being brave Soviet child, I drank it all.
It tasted like pig shit and I was overcome with desire to exploit proletariat.
First effect, I am oversleeping the next morning. In fact, am sleeping all the time like lazy American child. Father is beating me like good Soviet parent should do to slothful child.
Second effect was one month later. I started to cough things up. While tending beet fields I began coughing up blood. Then I was puking. Mother yells at me for wasting food like dirty capitalist. Then I am throwing up intestines, lungs, heart, all organs. Organs are taken by state to be distributed to as food. Nothing is wasted in Soviet Union.
Was not empty like soul of American, though. New organs grew inside me. Not good Soviet organs, but corrupt and rotten organs of bourgeois pig.
Third effect was two months later. I began to crave American bottled water. I tell Father that I am going to America for water. Father is beating me nearly to death and forcing me to drink Russian vodka.
After month of twice daily beatings, hard labor and vodka, am becoming good Soviet child again. Now am only drinking Russian vodka for many years. Doctors tell me liver will fail soon. Wife waits for me to die so she can sell herself to rich American man like Polish whore.
Such is life in Mother Russia.