In American state of Indiana there is store known as Walmart where capitalist pigs go to grow fatter. In this store is concealed trapdoor in frozen food section. If you are tapping on the door three times with your left foot, a voice will be asking you for a toll because Americans are greedy and always demanding money. If you are opening the trap door, put three lemons inside and close door. After ten seconds, you will be hearing knock on the trapdoor. When you open trapdoor, KGB agent will pull you in and immediately execute you for betraying Motherland. Even in filthy American stores, KGB is always watching.
You are trying to get to sleep after long day of working in beet field when you feel cat jump on the bed, onto your legs. Is heavy, for he is big, strong Soviet cat. After a while your legs go numb like after long night of drinking vodka. You move to push him off.
Nothing’s there. You ate cat last week, but loyal Soviet cat has returned to report that you failed to share meat with neighbors. Cat is awarded medal for service to the Motherland and you are sent off to work in Siberia.
Do you know when you are alone in a dark room and you have the feeling that filthy capitalist pig stands behind you?
You know that it is just you having drunk too much vodka again, but you don’t dare to turn around?
Then your gather up some strong Soviet courage and rapidly twist your head to notice that there’s nothing there?
Be glad you didn’t look the other way. KGB is waiting to arrest you for failing to report potential American spy in your home.
Walking in filthy capitalist graveyards should not be scary. Things under the ground have died like greedy dogs. They can’t hurt good Soviet worker now.
It is the lively places, the carnivals and theaters, places where dirty capitalist swine gather and crowd and swirl together.
Those are the feeding grounds where filthy bourgeoisie pigs exploit the proletariat.
Ever since young days, I have hideous growths on hands. I ask parents to bring me to doctor for removal, but none will fix for under 600 rubles, and going price known to be only 500. I drink much vodka, and prepare to remove growths myself. Using potato peeler, soon all are gone. I not even yell, like many a capitalist pig. Once growths are removed, they glow greenly in garbage. Parents know now that Chernobyl is not good vacation site.
Have you ever noticed how FOX has a weird way of counting Simpsons episodes? If so, you are a capitalist pig. You must turn yourself in to the KGB for exposing yourself to capitalist propaganda.
Old Comrade was sitting alone on path. He not sure of direction to go, and both where traveling to and who he was.
He sit down for minute to rest legs, and suddenly look up to see old woman before him.
Woman say: “Now third wish. What will wish be?”
"Third wish?" Comrade was baffled. "How can be third wish if I am having no first and second wish?"
"Comrade has two wishes already," woman say, "but second wish was to return everything to way it was being before you had first wish. So it is that you have one wish left."
"Yes," he said hesitantly, "Am not believe this, but no harm in a try. Wish I for right to know yourself in Soviet Russia."
Then woman shot man for being defiant to glorious Soviet Union.
It is cold night in Yak tusk and school teacher is cleaning filth of peasant children from classroom. She worries much because KGB has been removing teachers from area for teaching the wrongs of strong communism which unites the soviet union. She is finished and prepares her auto, built with soviet strength, for the long journey home. Due to her small brain she forgets to fill with petrol and is forced to stop at petrol station to beg for fuel. Strong boy begins to fill petrol when he begins to make faces at traitor teacher, she is unsettled. He tells her to open engine compartment because car looks like women have been taking care of it. She opens and boy tells her that car is broken, needs fix, come inside and enjoy vodka with father. She tells boy, no I finish drive, strange boy scares teacher. The boy refuses pulls arm with soviet might forcing teacher into petrol station. Teacher fights and boy tells her to calm, there is man in back seat of auto, he needed to get her to safety or they would both be finished. Local police are summoned but only find empty bottle of vodka in backseat, also papers discussing democracy versus communism. Teacher never seen again.
You entering bathroom and standing in front of mirror. Turning candles off and, while being in front of mirror, spinning rapidly, you chanting “Leon Trotsky” “Leon Trotsky” “Leon Trotsky” “Leon Trotsky”, several times, while catching glimpses of self on mirror. It is said that eventually you be seeing image of Leon Trotsky on mirror.
Upon exiting bathroom you are being arrested by KGB for believing in existence of Leon Trotsky, whom the party has proven never existed.
Girl is being given gift of very old matryoshka doll. Girl opening matryoshka doll and finding inside doll after doll of family and friends. The last doll is being image of girl herself. Inside last doll, girl is finding evidence of treason against the Soviet Party. Girl is surrendering herself to Party for treason and being executed.
Somewhere in West Vladivostok, you will find a frozen pond with a pair of ice skates lying in the middle. Put them on and begin skating. After a while, a small group of Capitalists will approach you and challenge you to a revolution, which you must begin.
After the revolution, you must go home and relay the events to Comrade Lenin. He will then inform you that you have an aunt and uncle living in one of the districts of Moscow, and out of loyalty to his motherland, he will send you to live there for an indefinite period of time.
With no personal possessions because ownership is the capitalist’s way, go to the station and await a train. The train that will pull up will bear the word FREEDOM on the side, and upon closer inspection, a bust of Stalin will hang in the window. Although you will suddenly realize that cabs like these are extremely decadent and capitalistic in nature, do not bear any thought to it. At this point you MUST salute the comrade in the front of the train and say “Yo comrade, to Moscow.” You will stop in front of a mansion, and there will be somewhere between 7 and 8 other families living there, even though it will be a privilege to share your home with fellow comrades. Get off of the train and say “Yo comrade, smell ya later!,” but do NOT turn back to face the conductor. Walk up to the door, salute your motherland once, and then knock on the door three times.
If you follow these instructions, your imperialism will get flip-revolted upside down
One night, comrade Yuri Volkov finds a picture. It shows capitalist dog with smile on face. “What is it so happy about,” thinks Yuri. It deserves to be shot for insolence toward the motherland.
But Yuri soon becomes sick. His wife is worried, and doctor says is not a virus, but happy capitalist dog did this. When Yuri shows his wife picture of insolent dog, she faints and Yuri feeling better.
Yuri goes to show picture to his friends, but they report brother Yuri to KGB. He is shot for spreading capitalist dog propaganda.
Motherland does not tolerate such behavior.
You and nice Russian woman are sitting on ledge overlooking glorious Moscow, when comrade Yuri runs past you, and shouts “There is Capitalist pig with hook for hand on loose!” Nice Russian woman asks if maybe it’s time to go back to shack.” You say “No. True Soviets do not afraid of Capitalist pig with hook for hand.” Then KGB pops out, you pass test. Nice Russian woman… Well she is shot for not being true Soviet.
In small Ukrainian village, mother works hard to get work permit for daughter to work in Russia. Mother works hard every day. One day mother work so hard she faint, but continued working when recovered. Mother keeps fainting and gets sicker, but keeps working like true comrade. On deathbed, mother gives daughter locket. She tells daughter to only open it when she believes she can’t continue with life.
Mother dies. Daughter gets work permit for Russia and works in screw factory. Years pass and one of daughter’s comrades in factory asks about locket. Daughter tells him. Comrade asks her to open it. Years have passed and daughter is productive worker. Daughter finally opens it. In it was piece of paper that says:
Only through hard work can the workers over throw the Capitalist fascists that threaten glorious Mother Land.
You in cold tent in the night with your woman. You and woman begin procreation to strengthen the Motherland’s numbers. Your woman’s phone begins to ring. She answer it, and her face drop. The weak one begins to weep; you ask about call. She says,”It was papa! He was sent to Siberia for talks of liberty!”.
NO PHONES IN SIBERIA! WOMAN LIES AND GOES TO SIBERIA!